www.angielskie-dowcipy.info

. Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 96

. Two paratrooper recruits in a plane: - Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute. - Is it mandatory to wear it? - Sure. It's raining outside.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(paratrooper): 181

. Recruits were shocked at the language the sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier asked: "Sergeant, where did you le-arn your language?" "Learnit, hell, it's a gift," proudly informed the NCO.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(were): 233

. The theatrical manager exclaimed: "Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real." "It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe." "Well," said the manager, "for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( theatrical): 348

. - Who likes music? - asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 155

. During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(camouflage): 694

. Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(some): 500

. While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(practicing): 554

. Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 55

. Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 51

. Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 126

. Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( collected): 281

. What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(happened): 80

. How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(can): 62

. Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(animals): 310

. Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 162

. I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(hate): 135

. What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(happened): 83

. The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(best): 71

. Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 131

. Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here's the elastic band.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(dropped): 105

. A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(doctor): 428

. Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 127

. At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 281

. Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(walked): 340

. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( business): 466

. Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out '' I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!'' The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out,''I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!''

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(boys): 498

. An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?' 'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(english): 283

. Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. 'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny. 'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever. 'Now what is it ?' asked his dad. 'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(johnny): 291

. William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 147

. Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( collected): 244

. Ted said to his friend, 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8,' his friend replied. That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( said): 143

. If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else's coat.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 109

. A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio,' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(little): 272

. Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 83

. My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(sister): 101

. 'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive,isn't it ?' 'Next!'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(dollars): 118

. Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 125

. 'I can't find my dollar bill,' Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry,' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far today.'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(can't): 123

. One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.' 'Why don't you look for it there?' 'Because the light's better here!'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(evening): 248

. Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?' His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?' Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(ended): 242

. Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 86

. Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn't have any !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 80

. How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 92

. If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(a): 153

. If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 93

. What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 65

. Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(can): 54

. How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(can): 57

. What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(kind): 60