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1. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

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2. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

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3. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

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4. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

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5. The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

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6. "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

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7. What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

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8. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

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9. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

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10. This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

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11. Redmond, WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

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12. What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

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13. What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

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14. What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

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15. What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!

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16. What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

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17. Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!

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18. What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!

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19. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

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20. What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

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21. Do steam rollers really roll steam?

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22. Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

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23. Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?

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24. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

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25. An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

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26. Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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27. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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28. A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

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29. Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

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30. Why don't anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies!

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31. Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu !

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32. Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant !

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33. What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !

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34. What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !

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35. The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

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36. What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

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37. Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

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38. What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !

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39. First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.

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40. A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

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41. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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42. Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

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43. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, "All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your tr ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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44. A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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45. Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

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46. How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

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47. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

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48. Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.

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49. Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

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50. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

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